Want to live like this? Maybe. 

Someone slip me an Ambien, I am exhausted.

I just got back from my trip to the city and it is official. You can not do everything in NYC in a week. It is absolutely impossible, but we tried our damn hardest. My favorite part of the trip is when my I got home and the first thing my Mom said was “so I heard you went to like 30 different bars” and I was like yeah… but I should have been like pf yeah probably more than that! (Thank you foursquare). JK that wasn’t my favorite part, there were too many. But really, the trip was hilarious and fun, but the best part about being somewhere unfamiliar is coming home to the familiar. There is nothing better than flying into your city when it looks its best, the Houston skyline looked amazing and the weather was abSOULutely perfect. When I got home my dog was wagging her ass so hard I thought her tail was going to shoot right off and that welcoming home will never be beaten by anyone else. And Bay Bay was there, that was nice.. :) After doing some homework and what not I went to visit my Mom and her friend who had lost her husband that day and celebrated his life with them and all of their friends with a shot of Jack. It must take a special person to make me do a shot of Jack because last time I checked, Jack and I weren’t friends. 

Now as I finish reading whatever I need to read to prepare for school tomorrow I get to slip into my cloud and wander and wonder in my dreams. 

Stay tuned for next post when I decide to either talk about an awesome Dr.Seuss quote or the book The Four Agreements. 

Going off with a bang. (Eh)

Core Story: What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?

Central story… Discovery. I can’t get into it really much other than that, I am discovering how to live completely independent this year, and am living without someone I have loved the most, well it’s a tie between him and my Mom (and sister and brother). My central story is vulnerable because part of my core is missing, and always will be. In the midst of my constant replays that go through my mind nightly, I am dealing and bargaining with myself to keep my head up and try to keep it clear. I don’t want my central story to be my Dad because he wouldn’t want it to be. He would want it to be mine, he would want me to throw all my worries out of the window and focus on becoming what I want to become. Easier said than done has always been something I thought of, but now there is no room for that. It has to be done. So my story is just beginning, on the left side, not centered. Oh, and I love my Dad, and I miss him everyday, a little bit more than the day before. That’s how I share.

So long 2010, you have been quite the asshole.

Time is on your side, it’s on your side now.

It’s another one of those nights, you know the ones I’m talking about. The ones where you were sleepy all day and day dreamed about night dreaming and when night finally gets here, our mind tells us there is too much to think about and there is no way you’re sleeping. Thanks a lot because alas, here we are at 2:49 in the morning and I am wide awake.

Insert current mood here: Opposite of selfless so self-full? No, no, selfish.

 I am going to detour my current mood to talk about the structure of the word selfish. The textbook definition of selfish states: devoted to or caring only for oneself; It’s kinda silly because I look at the end of the word. The ish part if you will. To me “ish” means kinda. ex: What state is your room in? Ans: Eh, it’s messyish. 

See what I did there? We are all clear that my room is messy, but only sorta. So which brings me to my next point, I’ve only been selfishish. However I feel I deserve it. So it makes it okay and that’s mainly because I say so.

 I’ve been hard on my feelings and each day I feel a little different than I did the day before. Every day is new, brand new and I am discovering more about myself this year then ever in my life. There is time for everything and there is time for nothing. Time is seconds turned into minutes that turn into hours that turn into days that turn into months that turn into years that turn into non-existent for those who have reached their end. Time is a crazy thing, that was the best/worst time of my life, remember the time? Where did the time go? Time went by so slow, so fast, time went by period. Time is nothing without interaction, thoughts, or how we perceive it. We give time names though, you will never remember the best day of your life as February 19th 2002 5:23 p.m. 9 seconds remaining in the minute (unless you are that bitch that says your wedding day was the best day of your life. I hope mine is monumental but honestly weddings are stressful, and I don’t think it will be necessarily the best day of my life) so you refer to time as more of a remember when thing.

I don’t know what point I am trying to make other than the one that is, even though we have it right now, it being time, we abuse it. We abuse it very much. We are emotional, we are humans. I would like to use my time in a more meaningful way which brings me to my defense about my current mood. I want to use it in a more meaningful way according to me. If that means buying a bicycle and a shitty awesome camera and cruising different streets of Houston and Galveston taking pictures, capturing time or moments then yes, that is what is meaningful.

If there is one thing I learned this year it is be yourself, be emotional, live your life the way you want because you only have one. Don’t waste your time with being upset with the ones that you love and the ones that love you because in the very end time does in fact run out and once it does there is no reversing it. Say I’m sorry, accept an apology, accept your friends evolving, help your friends understand you evolving. We are always evolving.

Be Selfishish.

Note: The song Amsterdam is the inspiration of the title. One of my all time top songs. Find your Amsterdam.

Come on try a little, nothing is forever.

 Prompt 18 – Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? Next year I want to try paddle surfing and am definitely going to make that happen. I wanted to do it this year but just simply ran out of time. I can’t think of anything else, I just want to cruise on the water in the sun, sing Jack Johnson or some other acoustic musician I listen to and be free. Turn it into my getaway. Bring friends along if they would like to come and talk about stuff that is important to us in a relaxed moment of time. We all are looking for some sort of freedom from something, always. I know I am, and I know that I don’t know what I am looking for but whatever it is, I hope this helps me find it.

Should be kicked out of this activity since I’m such a slacker.

Prompt 11: Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? 11 things my life doesn’t need in 2011 eh? Well for starters (1) I don’t need to lose any more important people, so important people in my life take care of yourself. I mean it. (2) I don’t need to go out as much for a number of reasons so I would like to come up with different ways to spend my time rather than hanging out at a bar. (3) Half the stuff in my room. I wish someone would just take all the stuff I don’t want/need in there one day and when I got home there was just a bed with a few things in there. So I guess I will have to do that on my own.. :) (4) To slack off in school. Living at the library next semester, who wants to be my roommate? (5) I wish I didn’t need internet on my phone because it distracts me from actual living so I will eliminate being on it as much. (6) Being close minded towards faith and try to be a little more enlightened. (7) I don’t need anymore hoodies, but lets get real. (8) Your approval. (9) Pity. (10) This is harder than I thought, maybe I don’t need to be so indecisive and make executive decisions. Closed mouths don’t get fed. (11) Ignore my guitar much longer and get some lessons.

12 – Body Integration This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? This may sound silly but I felt simply just me reading “Tuesdays With Morrie” in my bed, at a coffee shop and the library. I just felt like I was doing exactly what I wanted to do and it helped me find me. I feel more like me all the time having read it.

13 – Action When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? My next step is to complete my BS in Psychology and start becoming an Art Therapist! I am pretty damn excited.

14 – Appreciate What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? My time with my friends and family, they are the best things in my life and without them I would be completely lost. I will do anything for them and I hope that they know that and can count on me for whatever.

15 – 5 Minutes Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. Oh my gosh, well I want to remember the Jack Johnson concert with Jess, an actual dream come true. Never forget the phone call I gave her when I found out he was coming. I want to remember my first feasible beer drinking Wednesday with my Dad, we watched the Phillies play at Mollys and even though “big ass beers” are $2.25 my Dad always drank bottles. He’s not a fan of drafts. My sisters wedding was amazing and something I couldn’t forget, all my family and best friend Eric together under one roof. Out of control! Also my new friend Joelle, even though I met her in 2009, we became actual friends in 2010 and I don’t think I could forget her even if my memory was swept! She got me into the world cup, and getting up to watch the games was a great time. Go Argentina!! Also I don’t want to forget the funeral services for my Dad and Jess, even though they are not fond memories, they are important ones. Jeez that went by fast.

16 – Friendship How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? Even though I just gave her a shout out its okay she can have another. Joelle changed my perspective of the world just by simply being a different type of friend. I have hung out with the same crowd for just about my entire life and so I have always has the same routine. Just by being a determined force of nature, Joelle helped me pull my head out of my ass and figure out what I wanted to do with my life just by simply living hers. I can’t really explain it, but I like this world a little more knowing there are people like her in it. Soooo, thanks.

17 – Lesson Learned What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? I learned that I’m a little stronger than I give myself credit for. I can carry a lot on my shoulders and not let my emotions speak for me when I have to keep it together. I like keeping it together, not a fan of chaos and this year has been nothing but chaotic it seems. I hope when I write this next year I have better more positive things to write about.

Smart Decision

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? The wisest decision I made this year was to return to the University of Houston and actually have a plan for graduation. I just recently talked to my adviser and we made strides on what I actually “wanted to be when I grow up” so it feels good to have some direction. With the help of http://www.arttherapyblog.com/ I am making moves to become something and am excited for the future. Art therapy, who would have thought.

Catchin Up; Prompts 7, 8, and 9.

Prompt 7: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? I have discovered an unknowingly close community with my family and friends this year. You never really realize how much people care about your well being until you truly need them. Also, my good friend Joelle is putting together this awesome project called Houston Tweet Drive which I am happily volunteering to help out with in a small way, and am excited to be somewhat apart of it.

Prompt 8: Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. I think I am different because I am so open minded. I love to experience new ideas and cultures because it’s like a tiny adventure, and I am all about adventures. I have an odd way with words because I have an odd way of thinking. I lighten people up just really by being random and (I think..) funny. One of my favorite things to do is make up situations that spiral out of control. A lot of my conversations stem from made up situations and the best part about it is, everyone has their own ideas of what could happen next in this story we have made up and it gets very silly. Randomness is key, because it is unexpected.

Prompt 9: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. Bre and Tiffany’s bachelorette party was full of shenanigans. It was all of my closest friends, some new ones, and a lot of bud light and some shot called “Peaches” deemed by Bre, but was in fact just a Vegas Bomb (She claimed it tasted extra peachy). We floated the Comal River during the day, and partied and barbecued at night. For some reason the vegetarian of the group did all of our grilling. (Not with tofu or anything, she’s just a fan of grilling and is okay with our eating meat decisions.) The song “Change” by Blind Melon was played a lot that weekend, and everyone was seriously irritated with my decision to wear rain boots except for Sue and Cassie, they supported me.

Bre however, wanted to take a shit in my boots. No lie.

He’s trying to strike a match with my boot, then light them on fire.

I miss that house.

Prompt 6: Make. Reverb10

Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

The last thing I can recall making that was put into good use was my friend Tiffany’s wedding C.D. A mix had to be created while the band for her wedding was taking a break and she had asked me to do it. So a few days over the summer we had brainstorming sessions in my backyard while tanning and drinking a few beers. To create the list we used memories and some pinnacle points in her relationship with her bride to be (yes bride). After finally adding, subtracting, editing and laughing, we created the mix and it was a pretty good one if I do say so myself.

Reverb10, well, it’s worth a shot.

Prompt 1: One word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? Saudade. I chose that word because it has a couple of different meanings, one of which is a somewhat melancholic feeling of incompleteness. Another is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that at a time brought happiness. This year I lost very important people in my life which has left me with the feeling of the unknown. When you lose someone it leaves you with both happiness and sadness, mostly sadness. You remember all of the really great times you had with these people but then remember that they have come to a halt with no time to create new ones, and that to me has been the hardest part of this year. Always wishing there was more time. As for next year I would like to describe it as progressive.

Prompt 2: Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it? Each day I wake up but I never actually wake up. Lethargy unfortunately fills my day until I decide to get out of bed. While in bed I normally read books that I read for leisure when I should probably be reading books that will help me earn better grades in school. After that, I shuffle around and do much of nothing until I go to work. After work I normally hang out with my friends, then do it all again the next day. Most of these things don’t contribute to my writing because it is monotonous. I am hoping to get out of this slump and start living my life how I normally would, so I would have better things to write about.

Prompt 3: Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail. The last vacation day spent in Puerto Vallarta was probably that day. It was actually sunny out which was nice because it had been gloomy weather for the most part. My day was spent boogie boarding, jet skiing and going on a dinner cruise with some of my best friends whose voices fill me with laughter. The feel of the warm sun, the sounds of the sets (waves) and the vividness of the mountains opened my eyes to wonders outside of Houston while on the board. The water was the color blue that you think of when you are growing up and asked to use verbs to describe things for learning purposes. You know? When you grow up you learn that all water is not in fact blue, but this water was. While on the jet ski all I could hear was the wind, and going so fast tears came out of my eyes and all I could smell is saline. It was pretty freeing.

Prompt 4: Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? When you lose important people all you ever do is wonder and then you wander. You wonder what you could have done differently. It’s all I think about. I wonder what it would be like if my sister had her wedding in June like originally planned and I was home on October 2nd if things would have turned out different. I wonder if I would have stopped and said goodnight to my Dad that night before I went to bed if something could have been prevented. I don’t wonder these things to punish myself, I just would like to know because after all, what happens, happens.  I also wonder about bigger and better things, and how everyone is so different. What makes me happy and content doesn’t do the same for everyone else. I wonder what these other things are and I want to know why. Just to know.

Prompt 5: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? I let go of jealousy. For some reason I got jealous of things and people and it left me miserable. I let go of it because it’s just a burden and it is something I can afford to let go. If you are jealous of something then you aren’t doing something right, and I wasn’t, so I changed it. I read a book I think I was supposed to read before unfortunate events occurred and it prepared me for things I wasn’t aware of yet. It taught me how to let go of jealousy. I am more peaceful because of it.